SAE…YE WUNT TO STAIRT SPEAKIN’ SCOTS…
(Translation: So, you want to speak Scots…)
Weel, dinna fash, akis here be wirds an’ pronooncin’ tae lairn ye. 
(Translation: Well, don’t worry because here are words
and pronunciations to teach you.)By Ellyn Parker-Neal

1)	Wad ye like a bittock fishie?……Would you like a little bit of fish?
2)	Her tang wad clip cloots!……….She has a sharp tongue.
3)	Haud yer wheest!……………..Be Quiet! Keep silent! Shut-up!
4)	Ye wis thare, wis ye no?………….You were there weren’t you?
5)	Whit wad ye hae ma dae?………What would you have me do?
6)	Will A coom roond the-morn?…. Shall I come by tomorrow?
7)	Thir’s bonnie flouers, is thae yers?……….Those are pretty flowers, are those yours?
8)	Whaur wis ye gaun akis thay waur baith in tha hoose….  Where were you going because they were both in the house.
9)	Ar ye takkin ma on?…….Are you pulling my leg(kidding me)?
10)	Wad ye cock the wee finger wi’ me?…Would you like to have a drink with me?
11)	Yer leein like a harse-cowper!…………You’re lying like a horse-dealer(trader)!
12)	Tha auld mun be no sae deif as he lats on!…The old man isn’t as deaf as he pretends to be!
13)	Whit wey ye pittin’ on sae  sair face?…………….. Why are you looking(feeling) so sorry for yourself?
14)	Ye look sae cantie as a sou amang glaur!……You look as happy as a pig in the mud!
     15)     Thare’s ma thoum on tha’………………Let’s shake hands on it!

Takkin’ evverdey taakin’ an’ pittin’
Intae Scots (Or How to fake Scots using everyday English)by Ellyn Parker-Neal

1)	Good Morning and how are you today?…… Gud marnin’ an hoow  dae ye fare t’dey? 
2)	You have beautiful children with you are they yours?……  Ye hae bonnie weens wi’ ye an’ are they yairn?
3)	It’s cold today, are you warm enough in that coat?….. Ochhh an’ t’is cauld this dey an’ des yer cape warum ye t’dey?
4)	That’s a cute little dog but it’s shivering and it looks cold…Thas a bonnie wee dug an’ t’is chitterin an’ cauld!
5)	Shhh, be quiet child,so I can hear this part of the song!…..Shhh, haud yer wheest, lad/lass,sae A ken hear this pairt o’ tha sang!
6)	I’m going to help John on site today if I can find a hammer……A’m gang tae halp John on syte t’dey gin A ken fin ma haimmer.
7)	This weather is beautiful today isn’t it?…. Tha waither is braw
      t’dey, Aiye?
8)	Goodbye and I’ll see you later…….  Fare ye weel an’ see ye efter.
9)	Who did you see there,were you scared?……. Wha did ye see…war ye feart?
10)	She hasn’t seen John and I’m not well,so I’m going home…. She haesna seen John an’ A’m no weel…sae A’m gaun haime.
11)	Good morning, glad you could come to faire. Have a good day……..  Gud dey tae ye an’ gled ye cuud coom tae faire. Hae yersel a gud dey.
12)	Have you seen Duncan because I need to ask him a question. …..Hae ye seen  Dooncan akis A wunt tae enquire a quaistion o’ him.
13)	M’am/Sir,you look very hot, do you need help to the shade or water to cool off?…… Missus/Maister,ye luik verra hot, dae ye wunt a haun tae shayde  or watter tae cool off?
14)	I’m prepared to play my part in the festival…..  A’m prepaired tae tak  ma pairt I’ tha faistaval.
15)	I’m sorry I’m late but my dog ate my homework….. A’m sae awfie saurry A’m ahint bit ma dug ett ma haimewerk.

Coosin’ an’ Swaerrin’ in Scots bit NAE EFF  WIRDS!!! (Cussing and Swearing in Scots but NO F-WORDS!!!!) By Ellyn Parker-Neal

1)	Bletheration…..Nonsense!
2)	Bi Crivens……...Christ Defend us!
3)	Losh……………Lord Save us!(or Laird Sayve US)
4)	Haivers…………Nonsense!
5)	Megstie me……Mighty God!
6)	Whessht……….Silence!
7)	Nyod…………..God!
8)	Niver…………..Impossible!
9)	Confound it…...Confoond I’!
10)	Feech………….sound of disgust
11)	Fie!…………….sound of disgust
12)	S’truith…………God’s truth!
13)	Ochh…………...impatience
14)	Aweel…………..giving in/up
15)	Shite…………….Shit
16)	Smeg…………..shit

An’ Noo tae tha Insults t’pyk a fyte!
(And now to the insults to pick a fight!)
Examples an’ Suggestions But Make your Own
(Renfaire.com says “…two adjectives and a noun per insult…”)

1)	Ye airtless, haef-witted footlyker!….You artless, half-witted foot-licker!
2)	Ye rogis, feyn-sucked gudgeon!……You roguish, fen-sucked gudgeon!
3)	Ye Lumpis, hastie-witted flap-dragon!…..You lumpish, hasty-witted flap-dragon!
4)	Ye churlis, mylk-livered hedge-pig!……..You churlish, milk-livered hedge-pig!
5)	Ye beslummerin’, rump-fed boar-pig!……You beslubbering, rump-fed boar-pig!
6)	Ye totterin’ flye-bitten scut!…………You tottering, fly-bitten Scut!
7)	Ye weywird, common-kissin’ codpeace!….You wayward, common-kissing codpiece!
8)	Ye yeasty, toad-spotted faustalairian!………You yeasty, toad-spotted fustilarian!
9)	Ye craiven, bat-fowlin’ baagage!…….You craven, bat-fowling baggage!
10)	Ye impairtenant, dizzy-eyed Dewberry!…You impertinent, dizzy-eyed dewberry!
11)	Ye paunshy, fool-barne clack-dish!…..You paunchy, fool-borne clack-dish!
12)	Ye primmlin’, dughairted joltheid!…You pribbling, doghearted jolthead!
13)	Ye goattis, folly-fallen lewdster!…….You goatish, folly-fallen lewdster!
14)	Ye wairpped, gutz-grippin’ maggot-pye….You warped, gutts-gripping maggot-pie!
15)	Ye saucy, urchin-snouted malt-wirrum….You saucy urchin-snouted malt-worm.

Saying Goodbye : A wheen o’ mines, a
Wheen o’ thairs (Some of mine, some of theirs)

1)	Mey tha best ye hae iver seen be the warst ye’ll iver see….. May the best you have ever seen be the worst you will ever see!
2)	Mey tha moose ne’er lea’ yer gerain star wi’ a tear-drap I’ it’s eye……  May the mouse never leave your grain store with a tear-drop in it’s eye.
3)	Mey Tha Licht be bricht aroon’ ye an’ yers, til A meet wi’ ye agane…..May The Light be bright around you and yours until I meet with you again!
4)	Gud E’nin’ tae ye….Good evening to you!
5)	Cheerio the nou…See ye efter!….Goodbye for now, see you later!
6)	Fare ye weel tha nou….Farewell for now!
Mey aa’ yer troummles be wee anes….May all your troubles be 
small ones.

Jist tae be halpfu’ the’r a few t’ings… tae be mind o’(Just to be helpful …there are a few things to remember).

1)	Drop the <b> after <m> as in: rumble, stumble, thimble and the words become: rummle, stummle, thummle in Scots.
2)	Drop the <d> after <n> as in: wander, thunder, wonder and the words become: wanner, thunner, wunner in Scots.
3)	Drop the <f> if it’s final as in: self, sheriff and the words become: sel’, shirra in Scots.
4)	Drop the <v>from words as in: have, leave, even and the words become: hae, lea’,e’en in Scots.
5)	Drop <th> if final as in: mouth, with and the words become: mou’, wi’.
6)	Change <ch> in english words to <k> as in: church, breeches,thatch and the words become: Kirk, breeks, thack in Scots.
7)	Change <al> to <au> as in: malt, palm, salmon and the words become: maut, paum, saumon in Scots.
8)	Change <all> to <aa> as in: call, ball, small and the words become: caa, baa, smaa in Scots.
9)	Change <ol> to <au> as in: bold, cold, old and the words become: bauld, cauld, auld in Scots.
10)     Change <I> to <ee> as in: baptise, oblige, pity and the words become: bapteese, obleedge, peetie in Scots.
11)	 Change <fy> to <fee> as in: magnify, modify,signify and the words become: Magnifee, modifee, seegnifee in Scots.
12)	Change <u> to <I> as in: nut, summer, sun and the words  become: nit, simmer, sin in Scots.
13)	Change <a> to <e> as in: brass, glad, fast and the words become bress, gled, fest in Scots.
14)	Change <a> to <ai> as in: arm, part, smart, sharp, warm and the words become: airm, pairt, smairt, shairp, wairm in Scots.
15)	Change <O> to <a> as in: Crop, drop, song and the words become: Crap, drap, sang in Scots.
16)	 Change <e> to <ee> as in: well, wet, jelly and the words become: weel, weet, jeelie in Scots.
17)	Change <oi> to <y> as in: boil, choice, join, point and the words become: byle, chyce, jyne, pynt in Scots.
18)	Change <ou> to <oo> as in: about, house, round and the words become: aboot, hoose, roond in Scots.
19)	Change <ow> to <ae> as in: arrow, borrow, pillow, window and the words become: airae, barrae, pillae, windae in Scots.
20)	Change <o> to <I> as in Brother, mother, other and the words become: brither, mither, ( can be maither), ither in Scots.
21)	Drop <be> and change to <a> as in: because, beneath, below, between as in: akis, aneath, ablo, atween in Scots.

An’ noo ye kin stairt speekin’ Scots!

References:  http://ourworld. Compuserve.com – “Aspects of Scots Spelling”
                     http://renfaire.com - “Elizabethan Insults”
                     http://www.umist.ac.uk - “Scots HaunbuiK-Grammar”
                     http://www.unist.ac.uk-  “Scots on the Wab-Historie O Scots in    
                      Scots”  
                            httP://www.sol.co.uk - Merlin Press Examples of materials.
                            http://www.ndirect.co.uk/~love/tosscots.html -“Whit is Scots”

                                 Lang Mey Yer Lum Reek!
                                            (Live long and Happily!)